Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.

I know that now…

A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.

*London, 1592*

Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order

Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?

Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*

I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.

A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.

Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.

good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong

When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.

*Shakes wife awake

“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”

Wife:Omg kill Hitler!

“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”

Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.

Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???

Comparing yourself to others

Don’t let hippos sniff mopeds
Or a deer chew your bike
Hide big wheels from gators
They know what they like
Geese love to rub rowboats
Ducks will tickle your van
Rabbits snuggle with tractors
Whenever they can
Squirrels smooch skateboards
If a door’s left ajar
And whatever you do

None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.

My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.

I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.

Nobody:

My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?

[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants

#BT140

Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”

Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess

Droid: What about the other baby?

Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere

God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.

I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.

Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?

lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-

millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in

ghost: *appearing* prepare to die

millennial: omg even better

me: I brought a note from my doctor

dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle

Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.

“Bob is coming over for dinner.”

Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?

*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*

Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.

After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.

Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!