Sing it!
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[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
me: dating is hard
me on a date: i call my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
Food gives you energy to nap more.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
Doctor: There is a drawback to this drug. It really knocks you out. You could be dead to the world for 12 hours or more.
Me: And the drawback?
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
(True)
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
Smile Twitter, Smile.
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”