Sing it!
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Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
🐟✨ #re4
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol