Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
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Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything