Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
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A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Shaking random people on the street shouting ARE YOU THE SHY SISTER is the 2024 cinderella
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Terminator: [arriving in 2024, current timeline] yikes, send me back
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
How are they running out of oxygen if they’re breathing it right back into the submarine
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
going to ask seven friends for advice and then execute my original plan
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s