Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!

Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.

[office]

DAVE: We’re having a baby

SUE: Congratulations!

ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?

Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.

[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGE

BARISTA: [shrugs]

ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI

B: *grande screaming noises*

I’m attending a party tonight with The Missus. It’s a bunch of her coworkers who I don’t know.

The negotiations to get me to go went something like this:

The Missus: we have been invited to a New Year’s Eve party and we’re going.

Me: OK

Maybe jesus needs me in his life

[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???

giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first

me: ah sorry martin

medium rat demon: come back to bed baby

Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?

Me: yes, please! *opens purse*

My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.

Boss: do you have Twitter?

Me: what’s twitter?

Boss: no seriously

Me: ……

Me: no hablo Inglés

*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.

I think ya’ll would be shooketh to know my name isn’t really SingleBabyMama.

If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.

sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade

Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.

Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is

CDC: please don’t

1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life

DATE: how do you know that

*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET

hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants

Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.

I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel

Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run

Armadillo: Go on without me

Snake: no just-

Armadillo: @

Snake: Wait where the hell are you

Armadillo: @

[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]

Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!

After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off

To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.

Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.

Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.

[1863]

LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—

MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers

Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )

“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”

There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.