Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
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Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
Traveler’s camo
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.