Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
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Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
Beware of fowl play.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…