Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.

He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.

[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff

“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked

6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week

Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it

6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.

Me:… sweet

Putting tin foil on my beard to cover the leftovers that fall in there.

Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.

[undercover as a mom]

Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now

Other moms: *narrow eyes*

Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months

Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?

A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.

Nerys is a dachshund.

*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*

Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.

Bank account: *shakes head furiously*

Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*

[solar eclipse]

SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me

MOON: Hold my beer

LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.

DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.

Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.

*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*

His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”

every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair

In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.

I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”

them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible

Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.

Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.

just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood

This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.

Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye

I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.

GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points

Omg, I love where this is going.

~Me hearing a good recipe.

Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law