singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
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Meanwhile in Portland…
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
Such a beautiful day I chose to walk instead of the bus. Job interview can start without me.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.