@BlindChow

singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*

me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!

friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!

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@SimplySnaccbar

[Movie Theatre]

Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.

8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.

Me:

Employee:

*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*

@spaceboyriley

Crush: what are u doing

Me: laying in bed listening to music

Crush: nice what kind

Me: it’s memory foam

Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist

Me: Picasso

@PaperWash

me: you wanna hot line bling?

date: what?

me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?

date: excuse me

me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!

@dafloydsta

A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.

@msdanifernandez

Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album

@isabelzawtun

The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80

@Tmoney68

“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.

@SamGrittner

People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.

@SadieSmithRoks

You can learn a lot about a man based on how he responds to a bird pooping on him.

Also background checks and digging thru his trash.