Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
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Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
me: you wanna hot line bling?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
I’m going to start eating clean. How do you wash ice cream?
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
You can learn a lot about a man based on how he responds to a bird pooping on him.
Also background checks and digging thru his trash.