Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.

My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix

*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.

*whispers* cheerios

everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”

I bought my friends an elephant for their room.

They said: Thank you.

I said: Please don’t mention it.

*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.

*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.

*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.

[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine

We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”

who can I pay to hit me in the head with a baseball bat so I go into a coma for exactly 2 weeks and one day

*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?

He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.

6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher

Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?

6: Chick-fil-A

her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy

me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy

her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it

I’ve been following this strict diet all week & so far all I’ve lost is my patience

I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.

I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding… Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with
“Welcome back everyone”

Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika

bro, you’re fine. you just need an impossible sequence of events to play out in perfect order against all odds and you’ll be fine

Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?

A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her

Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister

Got kicked out of the pool for practicing synchronized swimming because my partner apparently “had no idea who I was or what I was doing.”

Son: moms and aunts are sisters, right?

Me: Yes

S: Then why do aunts show up with Lego sets, cookie cake and Roblox gift cards, and moms just cook healthy meals and say no?

If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”

Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.

A woman at the gym is wearing a shirt that says “oh my quad Becky look at those squats”

robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?

my boss: how are you late to work again

me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away

Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now