Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
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yea so i messed up lol
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
Almost choked to death on a jack and coke because I took a sip just as the old grizzled survivalist asked the young skinny blonde bartendress what her plan is for surviving the collapse of society and she said with utmost conviction, “Oh, I would just kill myself”.
Why is everyone getting married at me
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?