Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
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Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
That’s fair
started the year single. ending the year single. consistency is key
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
I’m not a superstitious person but I will never say “bloody Mary” 3 times in front of a mirror. I’m not chancing that shit
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
we must combat the global scourge of underage baking
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
man i love columbo
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
i just found out my husband has a hot dog counter on his phone to track his yearly intake of hot dogs