Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
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ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
Dude, when’s the last time you read a book?
“shh, I’m getting mad online”
Our lord and savoury.
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.