Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If cooking blogs were tweets:

Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!

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[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!

W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox

A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”

Canadians are nice because they’re close to Santa

Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”

My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”

Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.

Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.

MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?

[feeding baby Malaysian food]

“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises*

*spoon just disappears*

PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.

[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then

ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u

I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.

[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13

how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider

I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’

A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch

I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.

7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.

So now we know her plans after I die.

Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.

I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.

If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.

What do we want?

Decisiveness!

When do we want it?

Ummm…

Mario Kart:

1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife

How to shape your eyebrows

A thread

me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age

I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that

English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.

Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.