Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
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Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph