*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
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If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
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My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
“Look, I’m not going to sugar coat it.”
-why my donut shop failed
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
saw this in a dream
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Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
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I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.