Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.

Me: I wanna be ugly

Genie: you got 3 wishes left

That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.

“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”

didn’t even know there was an election going on. as a registered voter in the state of pennsylvania, i wish someone could text me 12-15 times a day in an increasingly desperate tone about this upcoming event, which i had forgotten about

On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity

Pass gas, not judgment.

Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people

Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store

Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.

There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.

If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.

“I took care of your clown problem.”

[God creating chihuahuas]

“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”

Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.

“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”

Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man

Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted

Interpreter: I can’t help u dude

Levels of ceiling fan:
-Hurricane
-On .. ish
-How do I turn this off? maybe it’s on.. wait, is it almost off? no it’s still on

Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio

No one :

Me when I swimming :

Fact: The reason the giant A380 has an 2nd floor is because, if it didn’t, the people above would fall on the people below. Idiot.

If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.

The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.

“It’s not about the money.”

-people with money

On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.

15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.

How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!

♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫

[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY

KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when

[several hours later]

KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when

A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”