Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.

Wow, your teeth are white.

Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?

That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.

Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”

I think about that a lot

I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.

Her: “Your funny”

Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”

‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”

at my child’s request I’ve been sending carrots to school for the rabbit. Today I asked to stop by the classroom where the rabbit is and discovered that the rabbit is a puppet

ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about

Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar

I went to the dentist to get a crown put in. Told the hygienist I was there for my coronation. Then apologized for being the several hundredth person to say that. She said I was the first!

6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?

Me:

6:

Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.

My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.

I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.

New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.

Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.

POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!

ME: My parents never loved me.

POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!

ME: That makes way more sense.

If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey

Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.

My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.

One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.

Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.

What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”

WestJet now charges $25 to book a flight by phone. But it’s way more if you want to book a flight by plane.

I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.

Me: you are laundry, stop talking

Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.

Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎

1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.

Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.

I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun

hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan