Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
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A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
I’m currently on a really effective diet called “I only have twenty dollars until payday”.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
God: [inventing a tiger] ok so this is gonna be a cat who eats frosty cereal
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
I SAID YES!!!!!! 💍🥂🥳🎉 i asked myself if i wanted a breakfast burrito.
Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer
Some will get it! Hmm 🤔?¿
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
Jurassic park gets weird
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat