Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”

Christmas Day

“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”

My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.

If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.

due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”

Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection

[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]

It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?

Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year

[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”

Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.

Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu

My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.

This Halloween take a moment to remember the time Scott Kelly smuggled a gorilla suit to the ISS to scare the shit out of his fellow astronauts.

[First ever date]

ME: I just didn’t feel a spark

CAVEWOMAN: a what?

My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.

In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.

The asteroid..

Season 1: Pride
Season 2: Prejudice
Season 3a: Pride and
Season 3b: [cancelled]

Painting safety tip :

When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.

*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*

thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk

Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*

you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.

Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.

MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh

The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.

it’s hard to believe that this long, crazy election will finally be over in a few months

Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.

Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.

but whales can’t sink a sub

ORCAn they?