Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
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“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
SPLOOT
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”