Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
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Please vote for people who are attractive
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.