Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
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I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
bro what is going on at twitter
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
What rhymes with ‘riddance’? I need to get this Bereavement card perfect.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
Witness: and in the lead up to the trial I was being intimidated, finding dead animals left on my doorstep.
Cat lawyer: objection! How can we trust someone who doesn’t know a BRIBE when they see one?