Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
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Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
They’re stuck in your pants?
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor