Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers

*watches slowest jousting match ever

There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.

There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.

I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”

They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…

ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful

If you just start drinking the Dove body wash, people let you skip in line.

[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?

“Why do you hate me?”

– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon

ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?

KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!

ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it

Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs

Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…

Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.

One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.

The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”

Me: I don’t like scones.

British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.

Me: What do you mean?

British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-

Me: I dont think you like scones either.

Me: I’m going to eat healthier.

My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.

What does a cannibal eat for a snack?

Finger food.

Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner

I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!

I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.

This is Narla. She was not allowed to go to the park. And now you are not allowed on the couch. 13/10

Husband enters vasectomy room

Nurse: You sure about this?

*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*

N: The dr. will be right in

its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads

why can’t i find normal clothes anymore why is it all either $5 for a scrap of polyester produced in evil ways or $200 for a basic shirt

BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.

I’m so out of shape, I bring my phone to the mailbox in case I need an Uber to get back.

[first day as a spy]

Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda

Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby

Case of beer: I have a boyfriend

If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me

School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.

*washing car*

Neighbor: “You washing your car?”

Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”