Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
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My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
What if the weather talks about us?
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.