Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
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4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
He has no idea 🤡
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
“wow i haven’t had anything to eat today” – me right before i remember that i had the lumberjack special for breakfast and placed a respectable 2nd in a spontaneous yet nationally recognized ribs eating contest
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
Billy Joel: We didn’t start the fire…
Smoky the Bear: No. Of course not. Nobody ever does. *rolls eyes*