Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
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My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
Once I shot a man with a paintball gun, just to watch him dye.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
Showerkraut
Aliens traveled millions of light years to get here to visit New Jersey.
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.