Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
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your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
I will selflessly protect my family from a life of diabetes by eating the entire box of donuts.
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
Good morning ☺️
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.