Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
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Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
dutch so unserious
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
Covid like
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
Not😆🤣
The name Sir Mix-a-lot sounds like he would be better at baking than rapping
All I need is 16 hours of complete solitude, three meals, two snacks, four cups of tea, and time to read the whole Internet twice and I’m ready to take on the day for a good 15 minutes before going back to bed.
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
My husband in the next room of our small old house trying to store away the unreasonable bounty he brought home from Costco tonight: “I have made errors. Why did I think we had this much room for pancake mix?”
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls