Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
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Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
i love fleetwood mac, but “thunder only happens when it’s raining” is just categorically untrue
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
Maggie Smith, Britain’s last coal-powered actor
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
I’d be a terrible masseuse. After 5 minutes, I’d be like, “Okay, my turn.”
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
Apparently my 6yo old son went to school with a Spiderman costume under his clothes. The students of Edison elementary are safe today
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
discovering that i’ve become kind of a savant for determining if checked baggage is under the weight limit because 23kg is just a bit under the weight of a full 20L keg. just one of the many positive things beer has given me
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
For those of you wondering how many Reese’s cups you can eat without having a Reese’s cup hangover the next day, the answer is less than 18
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha