Single and childfree like Jesus
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Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
Somedays I just love AI so much
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.