Single and childfree like Jesus
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i- i did not expect this
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
Husband: You should get your hair cut.
Miss 11: If I get my hair cut I’m not giving you any
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
I heard you like bad girls. I’m bad at everything
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”