Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house

…without stopping.

Her: What’s your type?

Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.

Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.

Can’t

I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am

If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…

Maybe he’s not the only idiot.

Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.

Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.

I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?

I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?

OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!

“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “

ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*

The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.

Siri just told me that traffic is light and I can make it home in 7 minutes. I am home. Where tf does she think we’re at right now.

Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.

*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*

My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.

I was binging Friends with my 14yo and there was a cliffhanger episode and I mentioned that we used to have to wait a week to find out what happened and she looked at me like I just told her we had no running water.

landlord: i’m raising your rent

me: am i getting more house

I have written in my calendar that I have a physical scheduled and there’s something I scribbled below that I sure hope says ‘fasting’ and not something else.

Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.

Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”

Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.

Today I learned when you check into a Doubletree they greet you with a freshly made chocolate chip cookie from the cookie warming drawer behind the check-in desk, and if some giant soulless corporate conglomerate thinks they can bribe me with a cookie they are five huge stars

TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times

imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down

Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.

Who needs an Air Fryer?

We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.

FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg

reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping

would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this