Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
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Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
Me too
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
Monday
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
shit, they caught us—run!!!