Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
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“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
Excuse me sir, are you going to finish that existential crisis?
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
I’m not stressed
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.