Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
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ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Jogging
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
don’t bring a knife to a gun fight okay then explain bayonets to me.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day