Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad

I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine

Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.

wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?

me: sure *starts crying for hours*

Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”

[texting]

me: touching my duck n thinking of you

her: gross, go to hell

me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it

You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.

All cookie dough is edible if you believe in yourself

I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.

Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]

[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball

I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.

oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed

WIFE: Remember to check for firmness

ME: When should kids be allowed to date?

TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo

ME: OK this one is good

A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.

When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”

[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]

“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say

[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]

October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.

Always.

(Click “gift options” for merch:

I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.

You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.

Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.

It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.

Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]

Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.

See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?

I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work

Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?

Me: An uber haha

Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!

Couples Therapist: Yes

Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed

[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough

Important

“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”

-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.

Tonight’s parenting lesson:

If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.

I need a shower.

Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.

Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.

#HatDadJoke