“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
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Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
Cucumbers Anonymous
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave