Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.

If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?

Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…

Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No

My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.

So annoying when she does this every week.

The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.

“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.

Nurse: Know your blood type?

Me: Type-O

N: That’s good!

M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!

N: Get out

M: Fair enough

i shaved my chupacabra for this?

I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.

I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off

Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder

Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?

Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.

The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.

Brb taking my potted plant for a walk

“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”

I’m going to clean *the house

*my glasses

[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]

Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.

Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.

Friend: I want a baby.

Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.

In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.

Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘mnemonic’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity

Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.

My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆

So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.

Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..

Having sex is weird.

Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?

FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.

Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.

I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.

Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.

Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.

son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”

I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”