Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy

Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”

A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.

I’m good, thanks.

Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.

3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*

Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?

Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.

You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.

Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.

Who knew.

Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’

You two just need to get out more.

– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice

I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.

[Me in hospital bed]

My wife: How is he?

Dr: He was dead for 15m

Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist

Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.

good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast

priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate

groom: can you please stop saying that

[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason

Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.

Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME

And I laughed so hard I cried

So yeah! I’m great at dating

Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.

Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.

Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.

Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?

Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur

6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”

#mumlife

My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!

chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing

[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese

No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.

Jeff: I’m from New Jersey

Geoff: I’m from New Georsey

Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.