Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.

Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.

I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing

My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.

People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019

Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen

how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one

an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin

A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.

[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?

BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most

ME: Are u sure?!

B: Yeah easy, trust me

I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.

*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*

People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”

On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME.

Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.

I’ve had relationships like this

Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.

My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂

My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”

I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.

My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.

So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.

I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle

Me: I won’t force religion on my child

Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*

Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf

my friends: we are having babies, also we just got engaged, also we’ve just bought a house

me: a man with a history of not texting me back has liked an Instagram story, do we think this means something

Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?

Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!

ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what