Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
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mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
Free him
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.