Single by choice, just not my choice.

Damn you, 19th amendment!

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The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.


My 3 yr old’s idea of comedic timing is waiting till we’re at least 10 minutes away from house to tell me he’s not wearing any shoes.


My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.


Hear toddler having meltdown at Target

Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
C: I saw her come in with you.


Earlier today I thought I needed a divorce but it turns out I was just hungry.


*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.


How to find out if someone uses two computer monitors: they tell you.