@_odlanyeR

Single by choice, just not my choice.

Damn you, 19th amendment!

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@TheAlexNevil

The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.

@gabeserra

My 3 yr old’s idea of comedic timing is waiting till we’re at least 10 minutes away from house to tell me he’s not wearing any shoes.

@sixfootcandy

My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.

@minivansandgin

Hear toddler having meltdown at Target

Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.

@AshToTheFuture

Earlier today I thought I needed a divorce but it turns out I was just hungry.

@AmericanGent69

*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.

@ProfaneDane

How to find out if someone uses two computer monitors: they tell you.