The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
Single by choice, just not my choice.
Damn you, 19th amendment!
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My 3 yr old’s idea of comedic timing is waiting till we’re at least 10 minutes away from house to tell me he’s not wearing any shoes.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
C: I saw her come in with you.
Earlier today I thought I needed a divorce but it turns out I was just hungry.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
How to find out if someone uses two computer monitors: they tell you.