[single drop of rain falls on ground]
Person Who Knows the Word “Petrichor”: I love the smell of petrichor.
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uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
May your day taste like creamy soup.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.