[single drop of rain falls on ground]
Person Who Knows the Word “Petrichor”: I love the smell of petrichor.
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[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
extremely cute girl at chic fil a gave me 4 free food vouchers bc i “seemed cool” then told me she was off in 15 minutes and i just said “hell yea” and left
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
Ants can be found on every continent except Antarctica, which is weird considering their name.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
Writing, She Murdered.
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Bike is short for Bichael.
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”