[single drop of rain falls on ground]
Person Who Knows the Word “Petrichor”: I love the smell of petrichor.
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I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
i wish i could marry a nap
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
6 YEAR OLD: how hard do you have to punch someone in the butt to make it fall off?
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
Bed should get ready for ME
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
DEESCALATE is the perfect word to yell to escalate any situation.
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles