Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.

I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.

[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.

My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful

Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.

[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.

Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.

Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.

Her: While you’re just laying there?

The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.

That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.

Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.

You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.

Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye

Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf

[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT

I have nothing positive to report.

Except that roadside drug test.

Follow your dreams. Hire a detective to track them down and confront them in a motel parking lot.

Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.

Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.

Levels of ceiling fan:
-Hurricane
-On .. ish
-How do I turn this off? maybe it’s on.. wait, is it almost off? no it’s still on

Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.

“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.

just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.

[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married

I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.

I want a president who promises no jobs. I don’t want to have a job

A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.

Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.

You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma

I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.

me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!

him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker

OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!

To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.