[single drop of rain falls on ground]
Person Who Knows the Word “Petrichor”: I love the smell of petrichor.
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Shout-out to the dad who suggested we have a parents vs. kids game for the last soccer practice, and then didn’t show up to the game where us parents almost died playing 12 – 14 year olds “taking it easy” on us in 80-degree weather.
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.