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Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
A bridesmaid, but to carry the end of my CVS receipt.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents