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Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
Peace was never an option
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
I bought my wife a fridge for Christmas.
I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.