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Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
mom had nothing to worry about
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”