Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you pick your nose after dusting the house

I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for

I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.

One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.

In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.

Merry Christmas

[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf

*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room

Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*

The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.

Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.

I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.

Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.

I’m going to clean *the house

*my glasses

Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put

-spider hokey pokey

My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.

I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box

My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu

I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.

I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.

WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?

ME: [current world hula champion] You can try

me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally

I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.

says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”

I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so

Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”

Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life

Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”

This meeting could have been a pajama party.

I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*

Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.

Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong

Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap