Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
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TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
concern
A male goth is called a broth.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
adam and eve had first world problems
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
I didn’t come here to be called names
