Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.

Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *

Detective: Don’t leave town.

Me, thinking about gas money: Ok

you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.

[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”

people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.

Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*

*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?

these two trucks have the same bed length

(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.

*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *

Me: Go wake up your mother.

Son: No way man…no way.

Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.

Leaving the house forgetting my keys, and then crawling through a window , is not good way to start the day…

Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.

Cop: license and registration please.

Me: (gives cop both)

Cop: you drinking tonight?

Me: no.

Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.

[Me at doctor’s office]

[thoroughly removes make up]

Me: Ok, weigh me now

I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.

It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!

My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.

That’s shocking!! Hold on.

*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*

Ok. Go on.

I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.

I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.

there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick

[first day as EMT]

Me: *checks pulse*

Victim’s wife: well?

Me: *shakes head*

Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head

me: hey, you wanna get outta here?

museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue

Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.

She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.

Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.

Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.

like u make the diseases or are against them ?

me: what makes you angry

pirate: when someone steals my p