Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We were walking out of Costco when we saw this baby eat the receipt before they got out. The mom’s look was just like, oh no

[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]

Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.

My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.

Home is where the Wi-Fi is.

I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”

dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh

16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’

Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’

[abruptly stops speaking in tongues] Oh the exorcism is for ME?

“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS

DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?

NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good

Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.

*flicks cigarette after a long drag*

Here’s the thi—

*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*

“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”

wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes

My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle

Apparently telling your friends not to stress about their wedding because “it’s your first marriage” is not the right thing to say

I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.

Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work

Him: I-

Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER

NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what

Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee

I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.

This morning in my local coffee shop.

Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”

Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”

#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes

Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.

I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers

I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch

It took her 3 hours

She was so excited to be done

Then I served dinner.

Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.

Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.

I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her

Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.