Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
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Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.