Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
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Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
there’s nothing that turns me into a boomer faster than when a company’s customer service line doesn’t give me an option to speak with a real human. no I will not go to your website. I just came from your website. i will k*ll you
every video on here is a staged fight called something like “Was the Nurse Right to Yell at the Patient🤔” with 1.3M comments that say “imho if I were the nurse i would yell at the patient”
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
Don’t worry about your kids wanting to talk about sex, worry about your parents wanting to talk about politics