Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
You Might Also Like
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
“It’s still inside my pencil” is the best answer I’ve ever had from a first grader who was asked, “Where’s your journal writing?”
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
Seeing your own mental illnesses in your parents is wild. I’m like… could you have passed down good genes and a house already paid for instead
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.