Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
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What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
Hey
@Boeing
, my neighbor Gary that mows at 8 am, is saying a lot of bad things about your company. DM me for address.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
repaired
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
For the second year in a row, work colleagues have failed to get me a birthday present or card. So, for the next 12 months, I’ll continue to take £5 out of each of their birthday collections as their backdated present to me. Cheers guys.
Me watching any ad in 2024: How is this ad an ad for the thing it’s an ad for?