@AngelaEhh

Single men not in love with me.

Explain yourselves.

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@cheers27402373

The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.

@PortRooster

On phone:

GF: We’re breaking up…
Me: I can hear you fine!
GF: It’s not you, it’s me…
Me: Did you get a new provider?
GF: Kinda… Bye!

@TheCiscoKidder

My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.

@Shade510

Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.

At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.

@SamReidSays

Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.

@mrjohndarby

me: my father fought in the war

her: which one?

me: I’ve only got one dad

@girl_a_whirl

My husband can’t tell if the dishwasher is clean or dirty but anytime I pull out one of his tools, he’s right there to TED talk me through it.

@PaigeKellerman

90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.

@StillOnTheMoors

I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.