So apparently it’s rude if somebody asks if you have a light & you tell them they’ll have to go to the end of the tunnel to find it…
Single men not in love with me.
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u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
So, this woman stopped to ask me if my hair color was “supposed to look natural.”
My hair is purple, guys. Purple.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
Who called them police dispatchers and not coperators?
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.