@AngelaEhh

Single men not in love with me.

Explain yourselves.

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@AKATriple

So apparently it’s rude if somebody asks if you have a light & you tell them they’ll have to go to the end of the tunnel to find it…

@MikeBigby

u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad

@Karissajem

So, this woman stopped to ask me if my hair color was “supposed to look natural.”

My hair is purple, guys. Purple.

@TheAlexNevil

The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.

Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.

@ChrisFredGreen

person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi

@weinerdog4life

Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.

@bingowings14

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?

@JoParkerBear

Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.

Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.

Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.