Single men not in love with me.

Explain yourselves.

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The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.


On phone:

GF: We’re breaking up…
Me: I can hear you fine!
GF: It’s not you, it’s me…
Me: Did you get a new provider?
GF: Kinda… Bye!


My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.


Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.

At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.


Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.


me: my father fought in the war

her: which one?

me: I’ve only got one dad


My husband can’t tell if the dishwasher is clean or dirty but anytime I pull out one of his tools, he’s right there to TED talk me through it.


90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.


I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.