Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
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Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
presenting your incognito window wrapped
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah