Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
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DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
My enemy threatened to send one armed man after me, but I’m not worried
I have two arms and should easily overpower him
Me: I hate it when people make me wait.
Chef: Just do your job and take this to the table.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them