Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?

ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning

BOSS: why a clown though

Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.

Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.

interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?

Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store

Price: $7.04

“No way”

Price: $6.94

“Now we’re talking”

Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?

Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim

Well, when ppl tell my “Happy birthday” I reflexively tell them “Happy birthday” back, if that makes you feel any better

Got ya covered

People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides

Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.

I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.

8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard

6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda

Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori

“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:

MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer

ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey

MIL: I never wanted you in this family

The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.

I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It

[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]

Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish

Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*

Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.

To accommodate the size of my wife’s new water bottle we’ve replaced the passenger seat of her car with a cupholder

Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.

washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out

i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers

ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?

CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?

ME: I am not.

Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.

Me: *applies for a loan*

[costume party]
friend: you’re late

me, dressed as a sloth: sorry

Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*

wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?