Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.

Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.

BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔

Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.

My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?

Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.

I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus

I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.

I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.

there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”

Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth

Jim: oh no

Jo: oh no

Karl: oh no

Boss: obviously we will need to

Me: oh no

[at the salad bar]

Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]

[adds cottage cheese]

[adds more cottage cheese]

[adds even more cottage cheese]

[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]

UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria

U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier

Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.

[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all

I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.

I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.

Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”

some BODY once told me
Luigi Mangione

[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.

Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks

“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”

The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.

Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.

Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”

When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.

– Hand held pencil sharpener

I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…

My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”

Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with

I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.