Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.

Me: Let me shift gears for just a second

Bus driver: Go back to your seat!

When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…

Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?

Adulthood is about finding three things:

1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down

What a shocker.

I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.

I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.

I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.

Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?

What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.

I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.

All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.

*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*

UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”

Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days

2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.

My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.

I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.

Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.

Her: I’m breaking up with you

Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?

Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.

Me: No oh 🙁

Coworker: What a crazy weekend!

Me: *takes a knee*

CW: What are you doing?

M: Protesting this conversation.

From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customers

holy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom

Pretty certain I can more drunk

I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still

I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….

… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.

A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.

YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing

Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?

I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.

{first day in prison}

Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.

I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.