Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
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I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
Fun Fact: Dove chocolate tastes way better than their soap.
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
Milk teeth are wasted on children. A new set of teeth would be a lot more useful in your 30s
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.
The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
Both of my boys are heading back to college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭