Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
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i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
*updates tinder bio*