Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.

My 11yo got a hold of the grocery app, and apparently we need 50 bags of wings.

I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already

POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case

ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn

CHIEF: …

ME: looks cool doesn’t-

CHIEF: totally looks cool

“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you

I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…

I wish I were this cool 😂

I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.

A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth

[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit

when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.

I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat

Husband: “Lost my keys again.”

Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”

Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”

Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.

Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.

None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.

The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.

NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*

I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.

Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.

Listen, when there’s a global outage of computer services and my workplace is entirely unaffected, it’s just really really unfair to me.

Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.

[at the gym]

GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.

Me: My eyes are up here

Picasso: I disagree

What’s the opposite of mentos?

Lady fingers.

#RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate

Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry

fedex driver: can i get a name?

sauron: i have many names

fedex driver: ok i just need one tho

People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.

him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that

me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses