Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
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petition to add fitted sheet folding to the olympics.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
Twitter remains undefeated
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
[Out at a restaurant and police officers walk by our table]
Me: Hey kids, say hi to the police.
6yo: Are these the guys you told me yesterday to not tell that you went through a red light?
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
My daily affirmation
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.