Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“C’mon… Get better…”
– Me poking reality with a stick

Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves

Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded

*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*

I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.

My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….

I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.

I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.

My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.

[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.

[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*

Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift

coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth

Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”

Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.

8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?

me: wut

8:

me: OH hush puppies?

8: oh. Yea

Dear Evolution,

It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?

9yo: (mouths off to me)

Me:

Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.

Me: Patience

(1 hour later)

9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?

Me: What charger?

Hubs: Nice one.

My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.

Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.

[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?

Kid Me: “I can’t wait till I become an adult, then I can stay up past 10:00pm”

Adult me at 9:30pm: “Zzzzzzzz”

Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?

Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date

Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime

Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.

My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”

Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”

Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.

Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.

This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.

Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.

“I hope this email finds you well”

The email finding me

There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.

Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY

I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder

interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?

If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.

*sets alarm for 6:30*