Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways

I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.

[Genetics Lab]

Me: One designer baby, please

Doctor: It’s not like that, you..

Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions

Doctor: What? No, you can’t…

Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers

Doctor:

Me: I’m gonna call her Claire

if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened

*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri

Livid.

MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.

I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.

Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.

Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny

[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?

My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.

Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:

“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”

“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”

“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”

him: 911, what’s your emergency

me: a home invasion

him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes

me: they’re armed

him: 5 minutes

me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under

swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]

Unsolved mysteries, cat edition

this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray

[first day in hell]

hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat

waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir

me: wow this isn’t so bad

group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-

I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.

Baseball is weird in that you directly supply to your opponent the opportunity to score against you

Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.

You better watch out

Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him

~ cats

You know you don’t have to give your bathroom a beach theme, there’s no law

I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.

on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys

son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”

I think this was a scene from “The Birds”