Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u

T-REX *runs past me*

ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush

T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first

I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners

HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.

An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.

Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.

Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?

When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.

I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.

Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.

I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back

me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer

also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING

If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.

Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.

Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today

We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.

The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.

Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that

Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural

Me: this tape is itchy

Drug Dealer: what

Me: what

Fun Fact:

Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.

Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.

Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.

If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.

I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues

My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*

Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!

My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*

If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.

Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.

Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.

Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.

Buying houses is mental

Buy a car or a bag of chips, the price is defined

Buy a house, you have to guess how much the owner wants

Not allowed to speak to the owner

Instead you have to go via a 19 year old, in a Mini, who doesn’t live there and wants you to pay over the odds