Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

pelicons

“Eat cheese and sin.”

This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!

ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.

Mad Max Arctic Road

No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.

FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years

hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like

I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.

Overall productive day..

*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist

Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio

Till the neighbors start to mow

Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.

we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool

The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.

85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.

summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol

winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO

Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one

[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?

[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick

normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.

Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –

Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*

date: I come from old money

me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you

Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.

You’re welcome.

Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.

Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.

ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol

MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!

Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.

The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?

Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.

Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured

If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.

This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.