Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
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Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
going to bed
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists