Single worst piece of software ever invented
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The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
Got in the car and my 6yo greeted me with “well, well, well, look who’s here.”
This is the only greeting I’ll be accepting from now on.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters
I don’t know what I was expecting but, it was not that 😁
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
When ur friends with white people
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.