Single worst piece of software ever invented
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cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
this is the best interaction on twitter
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
Baking is just science you can eat.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
I got fired from my job at the massage parlor.
No specific reason, apparently I just rub people the wrong way.
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
took a gummy earlier and I’m sitting outside. The same bush to my left has scared the shit out of me at least 4 times over the last 20 minutes.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
