Single worst piece of software ever invented
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[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
Help me. I just emailed someone called Colin and it autocorrected to Colon. I called him Colon. I’ve sent it, it’s too late. Just saw it now. Do I apologise or act like I don’t know. Is anyone else here called Colin. Does this ever happen? What are your expectations?
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
I’m such a sucker for a sports movie. I want the team to win so bad… but then it seems like they won’t… omg they did it
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood