*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
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My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool
at my size, i’d be called buffet the vampire slayer.
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
This is Miles. He was asked what he was doing. And explained very clearly. 13/10
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.